A Letter to Myself and the Fear of Motherhood

If you’re anything like me, you might have a hard time mentally processing the last three years. I feel like 2019 was the last ‘normal’ year and even that was rocky for us as a family. Evan and I each lost a grandparent. The loss of my papa was especially hard on the both of us as he was more like a father to us both.

Then, came the pandemic..
The start of 2020 came with so much uncertainty for the entire world. No one knew much about COVID, how it would affect people individually, and rumors started of the world being shut down. I will admit it..I did the panic buying just like everyone else. I stocked our pantry and freezer to feed us for two months. The thought of not being able to leave the house for an extended period of time was absolutely terrifying. Then, began the stay-at-home order that completely halted photography. While Evan was still able to work for the railroad, my main source of income was completely taken away and even his hours were cut.
This season of life was HARD and a few months later, Evan was completely furloughed.
While it was great to spend extra time together, it was very stressful. Evan traveled so much for work throughout our whole marriage, it was like learning to live together again. We both were so set in our own routines, there were a lot of growing pains that followed.

In July of 2020, we were given the amazing opportunity to start up our Craft Workshop, Cheese & Crafters, LLC. While it has always been a passion of ours to own multiple businesses, I would be lying to you if I said that starting a business in the midst of a pandemic was anything but easy. We used Evan’s time off to dump our heart and souls into creating a space where guests could come in and enjoy crafting together while also staying safe in a health crisis that we still didn’t know much about.

In December of 2020 with no end in sight to Evan’s furlough, we had to have a difficult conversation. Is the Railroad going to be able to ever support us again? Should he go back to school for a trade? Choose a different career path? Evan has always wanted to be a Police Officer and while the thought of it scared me especially with so much controversy revolving the job in the world, I told him that if that was something that he wants to do, now is the time to do it. He applied to as many departments as he could and we waited..

Fast forward to March of 2021… one morning while on the way to a model call that Megan and I had planned, I felt so nauseous. I knew for sure I had the stomach flu. A day later while cooking dinner, I got SO tired that I had to lay down immediately and I couldn’t even stomach the thought of eating the meal I prepared. Evan insisted I take a pregnancy test. I laughed it off and grabbed one on the way to teach a class at Cheese & Crafters. I took the test right before class started and there it was, clear as day…those two pink lines.

Terrified does not even begin to describe how I felt. Not only was I scared of being a mom but getting pregnant while Evan was furloughed in the middle of a pandemic was the absolute WORST time for it to happen! I was physically sick and shaking for two weeks after. I struggled with anxiety and pre-natal depression not knowing how the heck we were going to pay for this baby, where Evan was going to be working, and when photography would pick back up so that I was earning a decent wage.

I struggled with thinking I would never be a good enough mom to raise a baby and I also struggled with how much life would change after I had the baby. I LOVE my business and freedom. I say love in the present tense because I still do! I feared that after having a baby, all of that would go out the window. Combine this with an immense fear of change and the fact that our entire life was turned completely upside-down at the time, I broke. I couldn’t function and it took weeks to be able to work or do much of anything. Luckily, Evan was called back to the railroad a couple of weeks after we found out we were pregnant. While I began to become braver as the pregnancy progressed, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t still terrified. Then, he got the call to be hired for South Bend Police Department.

He went through the interview process and we were excited for this new journey for him. However, his Police Academy date would put him two and a half hours away close to Indianapolis Monday through Friday and on my due date. We also weren’t entirely sure if he’d be able to leave to make it home for the delivery.

My due date began to approach. I finished my last weddings before I took time off. I started to prepare all things baby…nursery, hospital bag, etc. Evan was still gone during the week and I struggled being home by myself. I took our pups for daily walks, 3 miles a day, as therapy and to stay active and healthy.

I went to my OB for my 37 week appointment. My blood pressure was a little high so my doctor asked me to go to L&D for testing. I asked her if I should go home and pack a bag but she said no, I’d be home that same evening. Something in my gut told me I wouldn’t be coming home from L&D so I went home, packed a bag, took care of the dogs, called Evan, and headed to the hospital.

Sure enough, my blood pressure had skyrocketed and I had Ryker Kevin 15 hours later. Evan made it home from the Academy and all of my anxiety flew out the window when I first set eyes on our boy.

I got home from the hospital and I felt like I was made for my new role. While the first couple months were anything but easy (sleep deprivation and colic are no joke!) I feel like after having Ryker, my life is complete. He is the little love I never knew I needed. I have absolutely LOVED being his mom and watching him grow. I feel so silly about how scared I was to become a mom. Yes, life has changed but for the BETTER. I still have my freedom, I’m still running both businesses, and Evan’s and my marriage is thriving. Ryker makes life so much more fun and I love having a cute little sidekick that comes with me everywhere. He’s learning how to behave in public and we’re still going to breweries, restaurants, and events with our friends. While I was afraid of feeling secluded and cutoff from the world, I now feel quite the opposite. We have an amazing group of friends and family that WANT to be part of Ryker’s life and want to be around him and it’s the absolute best. I have been saying there is nothing better in the world than watching your friends and family with your baby.

The one thing I regret through this journey is fear. The fear of unknown and the fear of change. I feel like society today makes parenthood seem like such a drag and that’s just not right! Every article I would read before/while being pregnant was about how terrible being a parent is, how you’ll never sleep again, all of your friends will leave you, and your identity will fly out the window. It doesn’t have to be that way.

I believe it’s important that we change this stigma and share the positive and amazing things about parenthood. I wanted to write this blog to give confidence to the women that felt like me before having Ryker. I would not trade my life now and this journey for anything in the world.
You CAN have both a baby and your own identity.
You CAN still go out and hang out with friends.
You CAN work and raise a child.
You WILL still sleep (eventually!!!)
You CAN DO IT!!!!

It makes me sad every day that if I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant when we did, I may have never had the blessing of feeling the love and connection that Ryker and I share. Before Ryker, all I could process about ‘becoming a mom’ was the horrible pregnancy, the sleepless nights, the tantrums, the stress, and the strain it can cause on marriages and I blame society for that. It is the complete opposite for me. If anything, I have more clarity as a wife, mom, and business owner than every before.

So for those of you that are scared of the journey, I promise you that you can do it and I promise it’ll be amazing.